When Cacao Called Me Back to My Heart

In early 2024 I felt mysteriously called back to ceremonial cacao after more than a decade away from it. That call eventually led me to the self-directed training called Into the Heart with Moses Draper of Embue Cacao, a beautiful exploration of ritual, awareness, and building a personal relationship with this ancient plant medicine.

As the final assignment for the course, we were invited to write a reflection letter sharing what the journey had opened within us. What follows is the piece I submitted to Moses in May 2024.

Reading it now, I’m struck by how much transformation unfolded in just a few months including grief, healing, synchronicity, new rituals, and ultimately a sense of rebirth. I’m sharing it here as a snapshot of that moment in time and as a love letter to the medicine of cacao and the path it opened for me.

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Kristin Cole

Final Reflection Paper

May 18, 2024

I returned to cacao medicine in early 2024 through a series of signs, synchronicities and curiosity drawing me back after a somewhat negative experience in 2013. Upon entering this year - a Universal 8 Year, the Strength card in the Tarot, and the mighty Year of the Dragon, I knew intuitively that my gifts and power were being called forth to be shared in a greater way. It was time to stop hiding myself from the world and to re-emerge from a place of stronger self-trust and self-love.

The Return of Cacao 

After several years of tension and division on the planet, 2024 feels like it is beckoning us toward renewed heart awareness and a collective desire for unity, love, and compassion. I can certainly feel that energetic shift.

It’s no coincidence then that Mama Cacao returned to me in this exact moment in history and led me directly to Embue Cacao and the lovely Moses Draper where I instantly connected to the company’s ethos, integrity and simplistic approach to cacao ritual and ceremony. I signed up for an online ceremony in February and nervously stepped into the group space.

To be honest, I felt insecure and wasn’t quite sure how to handle my first ceremonial dose of cacao nor how it would affect my body or my mind. Needless to say, I worked through a tremendous amount of energy and emotion from the heart-based exercises we did together and started to get curious about this medicine that had found its way back to my consciousness.

Interesting because the past year and a half of intense inner work have focused on tapping into my emotional awareness, of fully feeling into discomfort (part of which involved surrender and flow versus my usual control state), and releasing anything that no longer serves in my life (be it habits, thoughts, people, tendencies) in order to make way for something greater to fill its place.

I’ve mourned the passing of my father last April after a two-year physical and psychological descent, struggled through a low point in my 11-year relationship to my wife, and moved to a home where we could more fully step into our individuality and detangle unhealthy patterns (with separate bedrooms!). There’s been a range of emotions and pretty rough waves to ride over this period.

I have also been working with a dear shaman to clear and move through past wounds and ancestral trauma in order to feel lighter in my being and develop stronger boundaries among family members. It’s been a time of traversing the shamanic underworld before saying hello to cacao again but I’m immensely proud of the enormity of this clearing as a way to cleanse myself and bring that higher vibration out into the world as the darkness still attempts to snuff out our lights.

Connecting to nature's art at the Botanical Gardens in Durham, NC

Coming back to cacao literally shifted everything and I can say that my life is on a completely new trajectory. But it was a gradual process that incrementally added up to enormous changes including a new outlook and a sense of being reborn. It wasn’t drastic or overnight but rather, in the span of four months now, so many facets of myself have evolved and I’ve done things in this short time that I would never have imagined but am so dearly proud of!

Firstly, I took the risk on the Into the Heart training which I wasn’t sure I’d have time or energy for as I was already engaged in a Yin Yoga / Emotional Intelligence / Essential Oil course. I thought for sure that

I’d take the path of reigniting my love for yoga (I received my YTT certification in 2012) and diving into the deeper, more receptive and feminine study of yin. And of course, using essential oils fit beautifully into my love of plant medicine and previous career in food. Let’s tie it all nicely together with a bow to help me tap into my emotions and voila, life will flow in its “supposed” direction! Ha.

In the meantime, I did sign up for Moses’ cacao course and found real enjoyment in the efficient, self-guided six-week structure, creative personal ceremonies and opportunity to get to know this plant and to dive deeper into whatever it wished to bring forth. A gentle approach but also tied so beautifully to my love and respect for artisanal food products, the energetics of consumption, and the sensory experience of consuming a psychoactive (not psychadelic!) beverage like this.

I became enamored with my morning ritual and carved out at least an hour upon waking to sit with my cacao on a hand-crafted wooden board lined with crystals and relics of nature. Sipping the elixir from a beautiful piece of pottery, with birds chirping and sunlight streaming in, often brought an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

Simple ceremonial setup

I also let the cacao guide me into meditations, music, dance, movement, tarot cards, art, nature, the Akashic Records or whatever felt right in that moment. The assigned (but never felt like homework!) ceremonies were so lovingly designed and I looked forward to the lesson at hand and to exploring that week’s themes.

Cacao and I began to fall gently in love. At first I kept the relationship private, protective of the time and space it created. Eventually, though, I felt an urge to share her heart medicine with others. Before doing so, I wanted to understand her more deeply - how different doses, add-ins, times of day, and settings shaped my inner landscape.

Needless to say, the gentle, intuitive, feminine spirit of cacao was so potent and needed in my life that the yin course dropped off and later on, I took on a self-study of the tarot, another powerful practice that tunes us into our heart and helps strengthen our intuition as we ask it questions and listen to its subtle messages. It also involved a lot of journaling which has been potent for moving through emotion by bringing it to life on the page. I’ve come to love journaling and have filled so many notebooks in the process!

From the moment I began this journey, synchronicities began appearing everywhere. Subtle images and messages surfaced through nature, conversations, and unexpected symbols. I paid attention to subtleties and the most beautiful images came to me through nature, writings, imagery or conversations.

I even came to embrace my power animal, the serpent, who I have feared but who has always shown up in various forms, encouraging me to shed skin and embrace the transformation. I even noticed the ouroborus tattoo on Moses’ forearm and later saw a large black snake along a forest trail. My interest in Kundalini energies is embodied in the coiled snakes too. Well, that message did have a profound effect which I’ll describe later. Moreover, I noticed other symbols in nature like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis and cicada casings as they started taking over our local area.

I also became more curious, open to people, gatherings and learning about ceremonies of all types. I attended virtual weekly ceremonies, in-person sound healing journeys, women’s circles, honoring of the moon and sun phases (specifically, the cross quarter celebrations), and overall, open to connecting with people over intentional experiences that bring more depth and intimacy.

My confidence on zoom has re-emerged and I no longer have that sense of social anxiety I did while communicating virtually. I’ve come to realize that online connection is just as powerful as in person, something I’ve resisted since 2020.

Like-hearted people have found their way to me as I’ve been more open to receiving the gifts of humanity and our uniqueness as humans, all here with a shared purpose but perhaps guarded like I had been because of wounding. Several lovely kindred spirits have shown up and I’ve been able to cultivate friendships at this later stage of life which feels hard but also refreshing to come as I am and to more fully show up with boundaries in place. I also feel more confident and bolder in these interactions, more willing to be an equal contributor in a relationship and to make decisions along the way, not necessarily be a pleaser.

Daniela and me enjoying a favorite resort

The love has expanded in all ways, especially for my wife, my dogs, myself and my body (!) and for family members who had triggered me earlier. I have a vast appreciation for the elements, the planets, animal and plant life, and the rhythms and cycles that we are so intimately connected to as humans. The ancient wisdom of our ancestors and indigenous tribes has also come through me strongly especially in terms of shamanic rituals and visiting sacred land like Sedona, AZ.

I’ve had more vulnerable conversations with people dear to me and even shared some deeply personal facts with my mom that led to her sharing truths as well. That conversation has cemented a new foundation in our relationship and has tenderized the tenseness that sometimes come from our interactions.

As I hope to continue sharing my truth and not be afraid of my powerful voice, I even got a tattoo on the back of my throat chakra of Indra’s net, a jeweled web that demonstrates our shared humanity and consciousness. I initially saw the image in a tarot card and my favorite astrologer spoke about it shortly afterwards so I knew with those synchronicities that my healing tattoo would be perfectly aligned. It’s been a game changer.

Falling in Love with the Ritual

Cacao with a view in the lands that inspired Georgia O'Keefe

As far as cacao ritual goes, I’ve held on deeply to this morning practice and have become quite committed to this practice as I see the incredible benefits that it has showered on my life. I even travel with my cacao kit and set up a mini altar in order to take in its medicine wherever I am, regardless of whether it looks different. This sense of flexibility has allowed me to soften into my experiences and relish new environments with fresh eyes, sometimes using the cacao to guide me to new nature spots in the morning or to take in beautiful vistas, rather than just sit at home in meditation. The opportunities are endless for how to utilize cacao in everyday life and I’m only just tapping into it.

On a health level, I’ve completely given up my morning coffee which had become a strong ritual over ten years. I never (ever!) thought I’d be able to walk away from it so easily but having a replacement in cacao and the act of savoring a warm beverage has made it possible and I still enjoy an espresso here and there at a coffee shop. No limitations but also no reliance on caffeine like in times past.

My mornings are much more intentional now, led with gratitude, heart and intuition, rather than external content and the mind. What a drastic and health-fueled change! I’ve also noticed the physical benefits of all the minerals within cacao in keeping me properly nourished especially during my menstrual cycle. My need for dense animal foods and raw milk has drastically diminished too as the cravings have dropped and my body requires less calories now. Not restricting myself at all as I know that will lead me back down the road of eating disorders but rather, listening to my body’s cues at every turn. My body and I have a healthy synchronistic relationship now rather than a hateful, self-harming one.

Blowing bubbles to honor my dad on April 23, his day of crossing over (and Earth Day!)

I’ve naturally fallen more into a life of ritual and am committed to other events during my week that also require showing up. For example, a meditation I do every Sunday at 7pm GST with others around the world in order to bring in New Earth energies. Or New Moon gatherings that I’ve come to enjoy. Or singing and dancing with others in a weekly online Sanctuary! Even going forward, doing cacao ceremonies with my wife where we alternate who leads in order to practice the art of giving and receiving. I’ve also loved honoring my dad’s death on Earth Day (a memorable day for him to return to the land) with an at-home ceremony followed by a visit to the Botanical Gardens that we loved and blowing bubbles at our sacred Japanese Gardens. Everything in my life is imbued with so much more meaning and intention now.

In terms of some bigger, more physically manifested changes, my wife and I were each able to take big trips by ourselves while the other one stayed at home with the dogs. This allowed us each to tap into our desires at the moment and to have the space to be in our own energy, fulling embodying our individuality.

Daniela on an e-bike adventure along the Atlantic

Daniela returned to her favorite region of Europe (Lisbon and Porto) for two weeks and while she was away, I held some juicy ceremonies that lasted up to 5 hours! Some of my favorite slow days happened during this time period, along with deep intuitive moments of connection. I also downloaded ideas for a cacao and tarot ritual course that I’d love to design in the near future. The information wouldn’t stop streaming in and I kept opening my notes app to add more content. Hopefully when the time comes to assimilate it all, it will be a streamlined process and the notion of ritual will help people the way it has for me. It’s been very profound.

During her time away too, I was offered the opportunity to host a cacao ceremony at a Mother’s Day event that my really amazing holistic healer / hairdresser would be offering to her local community. Of course, I was hesitant but this gentle pushing me out of the nest would be my first official opportunity to share cacao publicly and to also check off Ceremony 6 from the course assignments! Win-win in so many ways.

Cacao station at the "Mother May I" women's wellness event in Hillsborough, NC

And thanks to a lot of practice beforehand and to my online consultation with Moses, it turned out to be the most magical of events. The whole day, in fact, was aligned as it went from cacao ceremony to belly dancing to sound healing and then an afternoon of healers, tarot readers, and body workers who were offering their services. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a more loving, supportive group of women in which to share my gifts (and yes, they did thank me afterwards for sharing my gifts which felt like the greatest compliment!)

Following the Call to Sedona

As I continued taking bigger risks, I signed up for a "Gathering of the Shamans" retreat in Sedona after hearing about it from an astrologer I respect. It was synchronistic in fact because I had just let go of another spiritual retreat in Santa Fe and was looking for something else that would tap me into sacred land, elements and ceremonies, and also be located in the high desert. Well, this came my way and happened to be taking place at the Sedona Mago Retreat Center which was just featured in the documentary “Love Heals” that I had recently watched. Wow! Without hesitation I signed up not knowing any participants nor any of the shamans! I think it was a good choice to go in neutrally without expectation so that I could take in all of the magic without comparing it to anything I knew.

The vibrancy of the Red Rocks

I traveled to Sedona in early May with several bags of cacao, knowing that I’d definitely want to continue my ritual each morning and even gift some to others along the way. The entire retreat was life changing and I honor the cacao in opening my heart even more to share myself as honestly as possible. Several people came up to me and mentioned that my energy was bright and expansive, that I exuded positivity and gratitude. So validating to hear that piece reflected back to me by strangers. And of course, I savored my morning cacao in the wee hours as I hiked up the red rocks, serenaded by native flute music and gazed out at the gorgeous vistas, taking in every bit of natural beauty. My senses were so activated just being outdoors and from the high levels of energy in that healing vortex.

Rebirth

In going into retreat, I had had the vision of a rebirth and even selected the pregnant Empress tarot card to signify that I was ready for a new version of me to emerge. And then there were the visual cues of animals who shed their skin and also come into a metamorphosis (snakes, butterflies, cicadas). I felt ready for whatever the Universe wanted to offer to assist me into my new reality… I had been through Rising Phoenix moments before but this one felt like it was going to be powerful.

Moon card from the Light Seer's Tarot deck

Sure enough, it happened on day three. I had signed up for a Shamanic Breathwork ceremony that afternoon and knew that something timely would happen because I picked the Moon card beforehand and upon entering, also pulled the same Moon card from the Shaman’s deck that was at the entrance, after we had been saged and cleansed of our energies. The Moon card in tarot represents the journey into the subconscious, receptivity, flow, surrender and my particular card had the image of a woman sinking in an ocean

, underneath a full moon with a black wolf on one shore and a white wolf on the other.

The space felt sacred, safe and ripe for whatever was meant to come up on my journey. From the deep cleansing breaths to the loud chakra-aligned music, to the dim lights and cradled spaces we each found on the earth, my rebirth was imminent. The tears flowed naturally and easily (a drastic change from past years where emotions were often blocked or tears non-existent) as we moved through the chakras and eventually, I got to the point of feeling stuck in my body, craving an escape. One of the male practitioners came over and asked if I wanted to replicate the birthing experience. Without hesitation, I said yes and in so doing, was made to physically feel as if I was in a womb space and needed to slide out. Wow, what an epic process to go through as an adult, not knowing what would emerge on the other side!

I was re-birthed by this man showering me with the divine masculine! However, as I re-emerged into the world and started feeling into my body again, something felt incomplete. Sure enough, the shaman herself, Linda Star Wolf (notice the irony of the wolf!) came over and performed the same birthing exercise which in turn felt much easier and more natural (obviously, from a female) and then both she and Niko, the man, came over to welcome me back into the world as my new parents. Ahh, that felt better, a divine union, a wholeness. What more could I ask for to be birthed by two wolves (they are a couple in real life, each with the last name Wolf). I cried and cried afterwards, letting it all out and feeling so grateful for this moment which I will never forget.

We were asked to draw our emotions on the page briefly and share with a partner before re-emerging into the outside world. Whew…that whole journey drained me and much like with cacao, I needed some grounding in the form of rest and dense food.

I wish I had had more time to sit in the space of this rebirth but it was off to a Fire Ceremony a couple hours later where together with a group, we walked barefoot over 1200 degree coals. Another bucket list item! Definitely more joy-filled than the shamanic breathwork and I had the opportunity to yell out “Rebirth” as I danced across the coals and the participants chanted the word back to me. Also very powerful and profound, and changed my entire perception of the mind as we are so capable of humans of bypassing our programmed beliefs. It really is incredible! (no photos were allowed during the ceremony so I'm not able to share images of that experience - you'll have to visualize this crazy feat).

Capturing the sunrise at the Sedona Mago labyrinth

The next day, I admired the gorgeous lotus flowers in the Healing Lake on the retreat property, knowing that I had emerged like them from the mud and was ready to shine my bright white petals. Ironically, the lotus was my first tattoo 12 years ago at the time of another rebirth in my life. Again, more synchronicities in nature were leading the path and mirroring my own experience, similar to that exercise we did during week 3 in conversing with a tree. I still remember that poignant conversation and the emotion it brought up in me.

Sharing the Medicine

Finally, I’ll close this out (I’m just riding a full dose of cacao now so the words have been pouring out of me) by saying that I’m incredible grateful for all that cacao has offered me, the hands that have allowed her back into my mug and into my heart. I feel so full and am excited for what the future holds for me and this newfound version of myself that finally feels rooted in unity, balance and love. The growth and transformation just in 2024 have been more than I could have imagined!

I know that cacao will play a strong role going forward as her medicine is needed more than ever and I know in my heart that I want to share her beautiful qualities and to help people open up to themselves the way I have. There will certainly be more ceremonies with other healers and light workers, perhaps even partnering up with my wife again (after some rocky business attempts) in a way that feels more solid and each of us knowing ourselves and our gifts. I sense more collaboration, more integration of different healing modalities, venues, beautiful humans as my heart-centered community continues to expand and evolve.

So very grateful to Mama Cacao, to my own open heart, to you Moses, and to your wife, and to all the sacred cacao relationships you have cultivated and the gifts you have brought us by sharing this magical medicine with those who are ready to embark on a whole new way of being. Namaste. Aho. Blessings.

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Looking back now, I see that cacao didn’t simply return to my life; it returned to my heart at the exact moment I was ready to listen.

xx Kristin